please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize