This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
