i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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