Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
