i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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