May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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