Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize