A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
