you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
