I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
