he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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