Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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