he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize