I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
