I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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