I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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