my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
3 2 1 whiskey
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
