Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
