Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize