My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize