You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So vagazzling was a success
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
