you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize