I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
