I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
