I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
