Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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