Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
