if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have aggressive nipples.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize