You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
