Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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