we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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