Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The best revenge is premature balding
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm just crazy horny about you
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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