Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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