A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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