You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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