hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
