last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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