One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
