Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
