when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Did I show you my penis last night?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
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