I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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