I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i came on her dog
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
