captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
