my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
