I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We left the knife in your bed.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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