when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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