I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
