i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize