Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
