Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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