quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
