Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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