my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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