So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
