you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
