Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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