my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize