I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
