Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
