I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
