I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
