i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
