I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
