Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
