She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
she woke up with a sticky ear
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize