True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
