I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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