Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
