we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
